Live without Fear

I wrote most of this blog over 4 months ago... but i haven't felt able to post it 


You may have noticed, that i haven't blogged for quite a while
because of ongoing issues... but here goes


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I recently read an interview maybe in the evening Standard with a lady who i can't remember the name of now who would be termed by E! Entertainment channel as a cougar.

Her famous boyfriend is 20 years or so younger than her, and she’s just very happily, become pregnant.

I’m sure if I googled it I could find out who she was.

It wasn’t so much the fact she was a cougar and dating a younger man that resonated with me, and has made me type this little missive, although of course, it did strike a chord, but it was that she said her main motto and plan has always been to live without fear.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. To live without fear. Fear of getting older, Fear of going out with someone younger. (That’s just in terms of the context of this article) But fear can permeate so many things. Fear is anxiety, fear is worry, fear is stress, fear is in some ways guilt. And all of it is pretty much unnecessary. I’m sure my Dad being infinitely practical and pragmatic would say “Talita, fear is a natural defense” and that “Fear would save neanderthal man from the beast” Yes, its true that fear can give you the edge you need. Like performers going on stage. Or broadcasters getting behind the mic. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that to live without fear is an admirable goal I think, and something that makes me admire this lady (who I can’t remember the name of) who tries to live her life without it.

I once read a Buddhist monk say “My religion, is to live, and die, without regret”

I think this is very similar to living without fear.

Recently I’ve come up against a situation that made me scared, having fear of something is a horrid feeling. And that’s over and on top of the normal anxieties and fears you get as a PR i.e. “Will I get this album’s press sorted in time” and “How the hell am I supposed to fit all this in?”

Fear, like anger, really being scared of something is a horrid feeling that seems to swim in your gut then pop up in your mind. I don’t like it. And what’s more, I’m not the kind of person who would shrivel, I like to summon up courage and go and deal with it.

Is it possible to live without fear?

Sometimes I think I have too much fear and hence safety in my life. When I got mugged last year and they got away with nothing, I think it helped that I’m to a degree always on my guard and that I wasn’t too coy to shout loud, and that I wouldn’t let go of my stuff. Arseholes.

I like to think I don’t put myself in harms way too much.

But surely all these “security” measures enable me to live without fear? Or are they just the opposite?

Anger is always the first emotion that is thought about when it comes to talking about destructive emotions. But I think sometimes that fear is just as bad.

Fear of rejection for example, and fear of what other people think. I wonder if people didn’t feel burdened by these things how much more they might achieve, and how much closer to their dreams they may reach?

After all, if you don’t ever try, then you’ll never know.

My aim is to live without fear.

But I think that I’m still practising.




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I think I'll finish with some awesome Iron Maiden lyrics and say how excited i am about seeing them at Sonisphere this year...

I am a man who walks alone
And when I'm walking a dark road
At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change
I sometimes feel a little strange
A little anxious when it's dark.

Fear of the dark,fear of the dark
I have constant fear that something's always near
Fear of the dark,fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone's always there

Have you run your fingers down the wall
And have you felt your neck skin crawl
When you're searching for the light ?
Sometimes when you're scared to take a look
At the corner of the room
You've sensed that something's watching you.

Have you ever been alone at night
Thought you heard footsteps behind
And turned around and no-one's there ?
And as you quicken up your pace
You find it hard to look again
Because you're sure there's someone there

Watching horror films the night before
Debating witches and folklore
The unknown troubles on your mind
Maybe your mind is playing tricks
You sense,and suddenly eyes fix
On dancing shadows from behind.

Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a constant fear, thought you heard
Fear of the dark, fear of the dark
I have a phobia that someone's always there.

When I'm walking a dark road
I am a man who walks alone

Amadou and Mariam

My new found love for Amadou and Mariam

I just thought I would note that although I love metal I love many other types of music and my current new love is Amadou and Mariam. They remind me of a cassette tape I used to have of Habib Koite. And I think they’re fab.

Here’s a youtube:

Istanbul

Istanbul

Last year I aimed to go to Buenos Aires, Istanbul and Tibet.

Its nearly a year ago now that I made it to Buenos Aires, and its nearly 6 whole months ago that I made it to Tibet… but I didn’t make it to Istanbul – but this year 2010 I did! And I have already. Tick!

No, really, I don’t think about countries and cities as something to tick off some never ending list. Cause in reality once you’ve visited them once they’re not “done” and you never can see everything - in my whole life in London i've never "done" London and Tibet, for me, will never be “done”- it's a love affair! And Bhutan, so beautiful I will long to go back to for a long time I should think (its very expensive!)

But there’s a lot more to discover! And when an opportunity to go to Istanbul came up with my boyfriend (travelling with my boyfriend and not alone… shocking, I know!) I of course said YES!

Istanbul is a very interesting city, not only because of the geographic setting at the very cusp of Europe and Asia, and of course because of the fascinating architecture and Iznik art, which I did a lot of looking at – but because of the history of the place and for me, the historical religious mixture and the changes between Christianity and Islam, and the relationship between the two.

We were staying right near the Blue Mosque and the Hagia Sofia that sit almost opposite each other, and are both mosques, although once the Hagia Sofia was a Basillica.

Hagia Sofia and Blue Mosque

The Hagia Sofia is fascinating, it is grand, and magnificent and very impressive. With mosaics of Jesus and Mary still on the walls, but crosses that have been removed.

I can't see those crosses

Mihrab in the Hagia Sofia

 This is where you get to look out of if you're a girl! So lucky!

There is one angel with a face, whereas the other angel’s faces have been covered over as I believe in Iznik art you cannot represent people or animals.

Which is why you end up with such lovely tiles, which I saw quite a lot of!

The Blue Mosque is not as impressive inside as the Hagia Sofia, but still very beautiful. Unfortunately its surrounded by carpet salesmen claiming the Mosque is closed, and so you have to visit their shop. Errrr…

We visited lots of wonderful places The Hagia Sofia, Dolmabahce Palace, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolmabahçe_Palace )The Architectural museum, The Roman cistern, The Chora Church and i sat through a call to prayer in one of the mosques which was captivating and lovely.

Roman Cistern

Mary and Joseph having a snog on the wall of the Chora Church 14th C

I said no no no no no - early backing dancer breaking out the attitude, 14th Century religious pop video. Bling.

I was particularly interested in The Topkapi palace and their “The sacred trusts” rooms. In those rooms was not only some very interesting panels explaining some of Koran and the Muslim Old testament beliefs (I have never finished reading the Koran myself, although I intend to one day!) but also Abrahams saucepan, St John the Baptists arm, Somebody else’s turban (sorry! Joseph's! As in he had a coat of many colours!) and The Prophet Mohammed’s cape (sorry, its a blessed mantle). Or at least lots of boxes that may have housed his Blessed mantle.

 

I like this idea of religious artefacts. Its fun. Humans need tangiable things to look at. But I do think that it was one of the 10 commandements something about idolatry. Oh no wait false idols. So does that include statues of Jesus, St John the Baptists arm, a splinter of the cross, the Turin shroud and the Prophet Mohammed’s cape? Or does it just refer to Pop Idol, Golden calves and the Pantheon of Greek gods in painted marble?

Out of all the religious artefacts I’ve seen I most like St. John the Baptist’s arm at the Topkapi, and the idea of St. Therese’s bones (these are in Liseux) cause they have magic (sorry, not magic, holy) powers that can heal!

Hell yes!

I mean Heavens yes!

I am the worst kind of sceptic. A sarcastic one.

Oh maybe I am the best kind of sceptic. An interested one. 

The Topkapi treasury is very impressive too, talking of golden idols, the jewels the sultan wore are amazing!

I especially was a fan of the Topkapi dagger with the HUGE emeralds.

Amazing!

 

We took a ferry and crossed over to Asia for a few hours. (It takes 20 mins) but I enjoyed the “other side”, it had some interesting markets, and everything seemed to be a bit cheaper than the European side.

Also the view of the hazy skyline of Istanbul that is so recognisable because of the hundreds of Mosques, maybe even thousands is great from the ferry.

The weather wasn’t that great, as it was February, But it was warmer than snowy England which was a welcome break, and it felt like I hadn’t seen the sun in forever! So I was very happy to drink apple tea with my face in the sun by the Bosphorous!

Oh, and I suppose I should mention that Apple tea has to be one of my new favourite things and I think I’ll go and make myself a cup right now! 

p.s. Please note my little cats of Istanbul photo diary:

Cat on photos

Cat chased up tree by dogs who look very proud of themselves

Two cats, and lots of fish

Paris Paris

Paris Paris

I do have a love affair with Paris. I love affair with the people there that I adore (I am vehemently against this sentiment of a lot of British people “Oh I love France, but unfortunately it’s full of French” 1. Generally speaking I find French people lovely 2. Some of my family and best friends are French 3. The snooty French are hilarious! Loosen up!) and with the Paris that I see through films like “Les amants du pont neuf” and “Subway” and “Amelie”, and also with the great memories I have from Paris. Plus of course the general French culture and the specific Parisian culture, that is oh-so-more-impressive right? Paris Paris

Anyway, its rare that I have a band play in Paris, for all its delights, it doesn’t attract metal bands all that often, especially not those under a certain level… and that level is generally very different in France to in the UK as French metal culture is a really strange fish.

I’ve been trying to study French metal culture for… a long time now. Probably at least 10 years.

I used to think that for a metal band to work in France they used to have to be beautiful, artistic, or politically active.

That’s what I used to think. And to a certain degree it still holds true, but it’s so much more complex than that. Taking into account the French laws about airplay of songs in French and the national support of French bands before those from abroad, the whole approach is different.

I would like to theorise that it’s something to do with the influence or lack of influence of the 1950’s teenage confidential style rebellion that happened in the States. Unlike in the UK or the US the parental power structure didn’t seem to be undermined to such and extent and the respect for your elders, and the natural chic obeissance seemed to continue unabashed with the new rock n roll / beatnik / free thinkers being acceptable by the artistic French rather than repelled.

But that of course would be too huge of a generalisation, and it’s to a degree an unfounded hypothesis.

I have thought about these things and wondered though. The 80’s seemed to be missing the impact in France that it had in the UK. No Maggie Thatcher. And their best attempt at Heavy metal was … Trust?

You’d think some industrial town like Le Mans or something could have produced a Black Sabbath? Or as opposed to actually going on strike the French workers could have voiced their dispute through thinly veiled satanic references and slowed down, heavied out blues rock?

Come on then you french readers – tell me what happened? What went wrong in the evolution of French heavy metal culture?

Wrong you say? Wrong? There’s nothing wrong with French Heavy metal culture…

Well… it’s true recently there’s been Gojira who’ve risen over all other French heavy metal bands to make it onto the world stage. But still the evolution of Heavy metal culture in France is a puzzle to me.

One that I don’t know any of the answers to, and will continue to make half cocked theories about.

And so the advent of Hellfest comes around. The first proper metal festival in France. And it goes from strength to strength every year. But its not in Paris, its in Clisson. Because there really couldn’t possibly be a heavy metal festival in Paris… Paris is way too chic!

But really – I think metal is regarded a way more provincial than it is in the UK with only bands like Ulver really hitting the target with a French Parisian crowd. (Are they metal at all these days?) With their arty political beautiful ex-black metal musings they are perfect for a French audience.
And I was lucky to see them at La Cigale in Paris last week.

And I was lucky to see Evile. One of my first thrash bands to play Paris ever. I had to go and try and get French press there to see them. Ulver and Evile, you couldn’t get two more different bands. One at Glaz’Art – a small venue near Porte de la Villette on the Wednesday night, the other at La Cigale in Pigalle on the Friday night (in a sit down theatre).

Thrash is apparently coming back in France.

I wonder where it went in France.

I know it disappeared into Metalcore and grunge and all sorts in the UK.

I don’t really know where it went in France, because sometimes I’m not sure it was ever there in the first place. As thrash per se.

I’m sure that Metallica could sell out shows in secondes in France, but I suspect they may be termed “Hard Rock” and not metal or thrash at all.

Anyway, the French metal scene will remain a conundrum to me.

Not to mention the appearance of the dreaded hippy. (and I mean with dreads and dogs who juggle)

So, I spent 4 days in Paris last week, flying the thrash (which is pronounced trash in French, which makes it sound like glam and/or rubbish) banner and once again trying to work out

What is French metal culture anyway?

Evile in Paris

Hellfest meets Terrorizer and Gallimard in Paris

Joel birthday celebrations in Paris, bless him - 1st Evile tour, becomes a dad for the first time on the first day of tour, then celebrates his birthday in Paris!

Recent travels

So we’re already well into February and I still haven’t written down any new year’s resolutions, and I haven’t written a list of places to visit in 2010 either… not that that’s stopped me travelling – I’m writing this from my second plane journey this year on my way to Istanbul!

My first holiday of the year, and my first holiday since the Himalayas, I’m very excited! And very unprepared! I haven’t done my research!

All I can tell you is that Istanbul was on my list of places to go last year along with Argentina and Tibet. And that I achieved the other two. So when the opportunity came up to go to Istanbul with my boyfriend and his family I said yes please!

But firstly let me tell you about what I’ve been up to so far this year.

Dublin:

I went to Dublin for 1 day in January! How extravagant! I left very early one Saturday morning and came back late the same night for a Gama Bomb photoshoot and interview for Kerrang magazine. It was the preference of the photographer to do the trip all in one day, and the flight to Dublin is under an hour, so I didn’t mind, although travelling is really exhausting and so I felt pretty wiped out the next few days after that.

All I saw of Dublin really was the airport, a café, a pub, another pub, the cold, the river and the airport again. Which was a bit rubbish as far as writing about travel adventures go. It was the second time I’d visited Dublin though, the first time having been with school to take part in the “Model United Nations” conference where I was representing France on the issue of Nuclear Disarmament (I think I was 17). All I can say about Dublin then, was it involved drinking, and snogging two boys, one Irish and one Brazilian, and passing hundreds of notes around the conference which contained suggestive national pastimes of the French to delegates from other schools / countries.

I would like to think my notes worked, as I did end up improving international relations through kissing.

Anyway, my experience of Dublin was limited both times and I apologise to Dubliners for that, as I know your city is beautiful and I was woefully sidetracked both visits.

Anyway, Gama Bomb – the photoshoot was for a Kerrang feature on them after the release of their new album “Tales from The Grave in Space” which we (Earache) firstly released for free last November (2009). The day was very cold! Our photographer was the lovely Ashley Maile, and everything went very smoothly I’m delighted to say. Gama Bomb are one of those bands who I’m lucky to work with, as they are a right bunch of characters and Philly is a real card, who knows the difference between a trilby and a fedora, and could tell you how best to cut a figure in a waistcoat. Which maybe aren’t the normal traits you would associate with the frontman of a thrash band?

 

Anyway, first trip out of the UK in 2010 done and dusted.

Festivals 2009 / Festivals 2010

Last year i went to 8 festivals:
Hammerfest (April)
Legacy festival (May)
Rock Hard festival (May)
Download festival (June)
Hellfest (June)
Metal Town (June)
Sonisphere festival (July)
Bloodstock festival (August)


(+ Damnation)


And that seemed to me quite a lot - more than i've ever done in one summer before.
This year, 2010 i think may be even better (worse!)
And I'm looking forward to it already!

Advert in Kathmandu

I've been meaning to post these photos for a while, my friend in Nepal sent them to me. All the time i was in Kathmandu i kept trying to take a photo of this big advertising board at a crossroads there saying "China Forever" with a big picture of the Potala palace. But Kathmandu traffic doesn't really let you stop for photos. Kindly my friend Sunil did it for me! Thank you!

Why did i want a photo of these hoardings? Well, its just a reminder of the China tourism machine, that is brazenly promoting the Potala and Tibet as a part of the great Chinese empirical history. Its as much bollocks as the advert above it! If not more!

Still wanna go back though!

Last years resolutions

I like making New Year's resolutions. I like having a plan.
I tried to have a plan last year in 2009. Not only did i have 7 New years resolutions, but i also had a London paper horoscope for 2009 which i thought was a good plan to try and stick to. 

SO - how did my plans go?

I agree, i think 2010 was a fortunate year...

But i didn't set up my own business, but i did plan some long-haul holidays...

I didn't find my soulmate, and i didn't fall pregnant...

But, hell it was a good plan right? Haha!

So how did i do with my own resolutions that weren't according to the stars?

I did visit Tibet and Buenos Aires, but i didn't visit Istanbul.

I didn't do much jogging. Its crap.

I did do my hip exercises. Sometimes.

I never passed my skating assessments.

I didn't email a radio demo every fortnight. (But i really should have done)

And i still don't have a paid radio show...

BUT you know, even if you don't achieve all of your plans, its good to have some goals, and a list.

I like ticking things off, and i like having things to look forward to.

So now i have to think about 2010. I'm not relying on the London paper horoscope this year. Instead i've bought a 2010 horoscope guide for £5.99. Surely the extra £5.99 will mean that its all BOUND to come true right? 

But now after having been to Tibet, i need to work out where i want to go this year, as after having done something you've been waiting to do for so long its difficult to know where to go next!

At least i know i still have to get to Istanbul!

Talita

I've been meaning to write something about my name for a long time now, as i'm always getting asked about it, and its a subject that's obviously gonna be of interest to me.
So, i was named from a book of the stars my Dad had for navigation, that he'd picked up in Finland - or it was a Finnish book of stars - one or the other.
My brother Rigel, and sister Capella are also named after stars.
My Dad always told me my name meant "Third leap of the little gazelle" but actually it is the third leap in a row of stars that are called the "Three leaps of the little gazelle"

My Dad sent this to me last year when he found it online:
"In addition to the famous seven stars of Ursa Major there are three pairs of stars that mark the feet of the bear. The Arabs imagined these as forming the tracks of a leaping gazelle. The pair Nu and Xi Ursae Majoris are called Alula Borealis and Alula Australis. The word Alula comes from an Arabic phrase meaning ‘first leap’; the distinctions ‘northern’ (Borealis) and ‘southern’ (Australis) are added in Latin. The second leap is represented by Lambda and Mu Ursae Majoris, known as Tania Borealis and Tania Australis, while the third leap is represented by Iota and Kappa Ursae Majoris, although Iota alone bears the name Talitha, from the Arabic meaning ‘third’."

I realised a couple of years ago that 'Mark the Evangelist' wrote in the Gospel of Mark: 
"And Jesus took the damsel by the hand and said to her "Talitha Kumi" which means "Little Girl I say unto thee arise."
So in the story of Jesus' miracles he brought a girl back from the dead by saying "Talitha Kumi" (although she may have just been sleeping... ;-)
Little girl, get up!

Here's St. Mark. Hiya!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_the_Evangelist


Talitha (Kumi) is Aramaic; Talitha means 'Little girl' - Aramaic is the language that Jesus spoke.

Pretty looking eh? I don't speak it, its a "dead language". But i find it fascinating - and would really like to see what Talita (Talitha - they're the same basically) would look like written down.

So...bears, gazelles, Aramaic, Arabic, the number 3, dead girls
and a star in the heel of the great bear, Ursa Major.


I assume that "Talita" as opposed to "Talitha" is the Finnish or Nordic version, but that i don't know.


So this is what i  do know about my name and where it comes from.


And no, my parents weren't hippies.




And any other information always appreciated!

Can't stop, won't stop - no rest for the Wicked!

I hadn't blogged about "normal" life since my return from the Himalayas really, not because i wasn't having a normal life, but because i was too busy having my "normal" life...
So here's a few photos from my life since the return that i've neglected to talk about before....

2 Days after getting home from the Himalayas my dear friend Myra arrived and we whizzed off with Lucy to see Cauldron with Wolf. I missed the whole Wolf/Cauldron tour apart from the very last date which happened to be in.... Dudley. 2 very different worlds, Buddhist Kingdoms and Heavy metal, but i love them both!

Weekend after the Himalayas! Gatecrashing my sister's 40th birthday with some of my best buddies!

Caught in the Crossfire Halloween party where i DJed with Lady Starlight

www.caughtinthecrossfire.com

Paris where i visited my sister and her family and my dear Cecile!

The Mike Alexander Memorial shows which i helped run with Ol from Evile in Leeds

Leeds show with Joan, Mike's Mum

London show with all the bands that played - Seregon, Mutant, Gama Bomb and the covers team!

Earache Xmas party 2009!

Seamus - the best dyslexic Santa ever!

Thanks Myra for helping me out with the Mike shows, and Lucy for the party and all of my friends for being so ace!! x